Porn Love - Friday, October 2, 2009

Last night I took a picture of one of the dears that come to my backyard every night to eat the apples. I waited so much for that apples to be good enough and those stupids dears are eating them!

I can’t believe it Saturday already. I had such a busy week. I’ve been working like crazy and study as an insane person. It’s very weird this feeling that we have after a week, when we feel that did so many things and the week passed so fast. I’m not really able to talk about everything I did but I went to the gym, 24 Hour Fitness in Berkeley, almost every morning. I’ve been working out a lot because this is something that makes me feel really good, to have a nice body in shape is very necessary for a good looking Latino Brazilian guy living in the United States like me (just kidding) and Monday and Wednesday I went straight to college after the work out. The other days I stay in college during the morning but not in class. I like to go there to study in the student lounge we have in the 5th floor. I don’t feel comfortable to study at home. One reason is because I don’t have a room for it. So I always left my books spread in the dinner table and Dennis doesn’t like that. Another reason is because I always have something to do here at home, so I can’t concentrate much on the homework. We also have a library very close to my house, but as I need to take Bart to go the gym and the college is two blocks far, I prefer just stay around there. The college energy is helping me to study.

After I wrote the last entry to the blog, Dennis and went to the bed to watch Popeye The Movie. We have a NetFlix account and we always have some movie to see at home. I know it’s a terrible movie and I have no idea why Dennis get, I knew before I started to watch that it’s no funny at all either! That was so bad that we didn’t see the end. Dennis and I decide to “better things in the bed”… and go to sleep wasn’t the first option. I love when we have those “not-programmatic and made” moments together. It’s not so usual. Dennis and I have a normal sexual relationship: no toys, no others, no crazy things. We also have out “up and down” moments when he or me don’t feel like having sex. I pretty sure all the couples have it. In my case, one of the reasons is when I’m not feeling “cute” enough, or just completely tired after all day being worry about everything. Sometimes is much better to sleep together then necessary have sex. This is good just sometimes, for sure. I really don’t understand people who live without sex, I mean, married people. They leave together and don’t have sex? I met a couple of neighbors that don’t even sleep on the same room, but they’re a lovely couple and seem really like each other. That’s weird. I think the individualism makes people go crazy.

Tuesday I went to see my paralegal, is Monica Miklas, she is one of that person who is seems to have a very good energy. Every conversation I have with her i always have the feeling that everything is just fine. Nothing sounds to be a problem for her. This is good in a certain point, I mean, I’m so worry about my situation in this country that sometimes is good to hear a better side of the story from someone. She speaks Portuguese very good, but almost all the time I prefer to talk in English because of the fact that I’ve been talking and organizing my ideas in English and I get very confuse mixing the languages all the time. She is white blond cute girl and look very young. We’re working together in my asylum process so I can stay in this country safe and with Dennis. We went trough my past in Rio regarding my gay life and all the bad situations already happened with me there. We talked about my childhood, my family and my work as a gay activist in Arco Iris group. It was a very hard time for me to talk about that because something I really never talked with someone before, and some other things are just too sad or embarrassing to be reminded. But some other fact I was glad to talk about, like my gay friends and activism. Looking now I feel that I really helped the gay community. I have a past in the Arco Iris Group, it’s one of the biggest gay groups in Brazil, and witch takes care of gay movements, preventions of sexual sickness and human rights. Also Arco Iris takes care of the Rio Gay Pride every year.

I basic come here married with Kim, a long story. I married her to leave Brazil last year, after I try all possible honest visas available. After I arrived, Kim moved in to live with Dennis and me, and our life kind of messed up because she had more problems that we though. As she say once, we have different ways to work with the stress, and I didn’t have patient with her attitudes (or better saying, non attitude). After some misunderstands we decide to move out. After some time I felt that this marriege isn’t going to work and at the same time I found out about the gay asylum. I had no idea that gay guys could ask for asylum in this country, I though asylum was for people running from wars. Dennis and I had a seriously conversation about it and we decide stop lying to the immigration. I have a good casa, a good reason to be here, and I could handle this entire situation by myself, and not waiting for Kim. I understood how afraid sha was about her life and I know she regrets to do this for help us. But she did a great help, and I’ll never forget. I though taking Kim out of my problems and letting myself take care of this would be perfect. The week before Dennis and I went to the same office that we work with my marriage and told them the truth. They understood my reasons and decide to get the case. Monica is helping me to organize my statement and she is doing a good job.
I actually try all kinds of visas possible to be with the person that I love: tourist visa, student visa… And now I’m having such a hard time with my situation again. My tourist visa had been denied because I couldn’t prove that I would come back. Looking back now I agree with the council because I wasn’t very organized with my documents. It was my first time and I didn’t know much about it. Then I try my student visa and even today I have no idea why it was denied. I’ve been accepted to Laney College, I paid for it and I had a letter of support from Dennis. The council denied it too. At this point I was crazy to leave country and come here. I knew my life could be much better here, beside Dennis, having a gay life without worry about my security as I was in Brazil. Dennis and I are happy after all. After all Dennis and I fight to be together in this country, now I need to remember all the bad things that happened to my in Brazil for being gay. All the bad memories I have of people making jokes and treating me. I almost cry in her office. It’s something that I never had a deep talk in my life, and Monica was the first one and I hope the last. But I know she won’t. I need to go trough this conversation again in my interview day. But after all I’m sure that this is going to finish and I will be in peace with my love. I left her office much more optimist. I believe in her job and in my honesty.