Amigos

Amigos,
Esse mes se completa um ano que estou longe de vcs. Chorando de saudades, relembrando nossos momentos, nossa história, as "aventuras" e loucuras que fizemos juntos... tenho tanta saudade. Doi no peito, sinto na alma. Hoje eu mal consigo pensar em português direito.. tenho estudado tanto, me concentrado na minha vida aqui nos EUA e fazendo de tudo para não pensar nesses momentos que passamos juntos... bons e ruins... desentedimentos e noites perfeitas... parece que vivi um sonho.. mas as vezes, como hj, não consigo. Acabei de ver Os Normais 2, passando no nosso Rio de Janeiro! Chorei não pelo filme, mas pelas imagens e pela saudade de encontar vcs na praia, marcar pra balada e para pra beber umas na lapa, marcar de passar a noite em casa se jogando e curtindo uns aos outros... muitas saudades de vcs. Quantas noites loucas vivemos, quantos laços de amizades enfatizamos.
A verdade é que não posso deixar o país até meu green card ficar pronto, segundo meu advogado, como eu tenho um processo complicado devido ao casamento de mentira, namoro, trabalhos e etc, vai demorar...
Agora que completo um ano aqui nos EUA sem sair, posso finalmente ver uma luz no fim do tunel e comecar a planejar minha ida ao Brasil, mas ainda não sera esse ano, o processo é lento e doloroso pra mim
Amo vcs, morro de saudades. Se cuidem! Me hospedem quando eu aparecer por ai!
Beijos no coração de todos.
Leandro paiacan

Semanaça

Depois de um fim de semana bem legal em Kenosha e chicago, onde revi os meus sogros e conheci o famoso Instituto de Arts de Chicago, eu estou tento uma semana pra la de agitada.

O Bel, amigo do Dennis, esta na nossa casa visitando o Dennis até amanhã. Eu nunca tive muito contato com ele enquanto eu morava no Brasil então não ha muito o que falar. Não que ele tenha feito alguma coisa contra mim, mas ele e eu só somos aquele tipo de pessoa que não bateu uma amizade. Ele esta indo para Nova York visitar o namorado e a negócios (não me pergunte qual). Durante esse período Dennis tem dado muito atenção a ele e pouco a empresa, e eu vejo que isso esta meio que deixando Dennis nervoso. Sem contar os extras de gastação de grana. Estamos jantando super bem todas as noites e vinho pra saborear.

Dennis ate ligou a Jacuzzi ontem a noite e prometeu deixar ligada até sábado. Vc sabe quantas vezes pedi para o Dennis ligar aquela Jacuzzi? Isso me deu um pouco de ciúmes, mas só um pouco, já passou. Desde que entramos no programa de 'Economia do Lar' estamos evitando ao máximo gastar dineheiro. Por isso a Jacuzzi permaneceu desligada. Ja que o Bell vai embora na sexta a tarde, estou pensando em passar a sexta a noite pelado dentra do Jacuzzi com um taça de vinho na mão... que maravilha, perfeito para um final de uma semana cheia.

Tenho teste de Geografia hoje (em aproximadamente 1:20m) e estudei muito, mas ainda não me sinto preparado. Vamos ver no que isso dá! Eu sinto que ja saquei um monte de coisas mas ainda não me sinto muito seguro na aula. Inglês principalmente. Tenho passado as noites dessa semana nos livros, me dediquei sim, mas acho que eu deveria ter me dedicado desde do começo para eu não ficar nessa paranóia.

Devido ao meus estudos excessivos em geografia, deixei de lado as outras matérias. Por isso vou passar esse fim de semana fazendo toneladas de dereves de casa de matemática que acumularam durante esse tempo, ler uns quatro capítulos de história da arte, sem contar duas redações e meus deveres de fim de semana. Athletic Model Guild foi outra coisa que deixei de lado. Minha mesa está uma bagunça, meus planos de postagem no eBay já estão atrasados e fora de ordem, e Dennis já jogou a letra de que estou ganhando muito e recebendo pouco (não tão diretamente assim).

Alone

Estive aproveitando nessa tarde os últimos minutos da minha semana em casa sozinho. Dennis passou a semana em Kenosha, Wisconsin, com os pais dele, e eu fiquei aqui por causa do trabalho e estudos. Fiquei sozinho. Chamei uns amigos para um churrasquinho no domingo e durante a semana aproveitei cada momento "apreciando o meu ser".
Como foi difícil me reacustumar. Eu achei que eu ia amar cada minuto, ja que adorava ficar sozinho quando eu morava no Brasil... que nada, nos primeiros dias eu quase entrei em depressão. Mas os últimos foram realmente muito bons. Senti saudade disso, senti necessidade disso. Quanto tempo eu não ficava sozinho, comigo memso, conversando com minhas idéias. Como nos velhos tempos...
Uma coisa que pesou foi o fato da preguiça ter tomado conta de mim nesses dias, acho que estou acustumado com o Dennis marcando prescença e por isso relaxei.
No primeiro dia eu limpei os quatro cantos da casa e fui para a cama as 7h30pm. Não consegui dormir nos primeiros dias com medo de alguém invadir o quintal ou um bandido tentar quebrar a janela.
No ultimo eu ja estava apagando no sofá e fazendo minha própria comida.
Adorei minha semana sozinho em casa.
Agora estou no Aeroporto Internacional de San Francisco esperando meu embarque para Huston, de la pego outro avião para Milwaukee e de carro vou para Kenosha, onde os pais do Dennis vivem.
Boa Viagem!

Amigos

Eu estou na biblioteca pública da Escola de Artes da California e acabei de terminar uma redação. Estou tentando dar conta dos meus estudos, mas admito que ainda não peguei o ritmo desejado. Gostaria de estar estudando mais, participando mais das rodas de amigos que eu poderia fazer no college mas ta difícil… fazer amizade nesse país é complicado, não importa de onde vc vem. Eu tive uma grande decpção esses dias com relação a isso.
Hoje teve o primeiro grupo de estudos de geografia, temos prova na semana que vem! A professora resolveu incentivar grupos de estudos e uma galera resolveu começar isso logo após a aula. Eu era o único não Americano. É complicado acompanha-los. Sai meio deprimido de la achando que é melhor eu estudar sozinho. Sera que é por isso que o pessoal não Americano não ficou? Tem um outro grupo de estudos Rolando mas pelo que percebi é só de American tb. A barreira da lingual ainda continua muito pesada por aqui… sera que vai durar pra sempre? Tenho que falar mais e mais ingles!
Eu finalmente também achava que eu estava conhecendo um grupinho legal de amigos gays, brasileiros, lá de San Francisco mas eles não são tão legais e muito menos amigos quanto eu pensei. Estão numa fase que eu ja superei faz tempos, batemos um papo sobre idade, e eles têm a mesma idade que eu, fazer o que né…. Fiquei triste ao sentir que minha prescença estava incomodando e parti. Mas sabe de uma coisa, foi melhor assim. Eu sei que, mesmo sentido falta, isso iria “desviar minha atenção” se continuasse com esse grupinho que bate cartão nas boates todo fim de semana e não planejam ou ao menos trabalham para um objetivo mais concreto.
Além disso eu tenho um namorado caseiro que nunca esta comigo nos momentos mais divertidos (isso não é uma reclamação) e que trabalha muito pra manter o padrão de vida que ele leva. Eu devo respeitar isso e trabalhar ao lado dele. Vida de boate gay foi bom mas não value tanto a pena, inclusive se eu resolver voltar para ela.

Passando para dizer que nada é impossível e a desconhecido é nossa energia.

Passando para dizer que nada é impossível e a desconhecido é nossa energia.
Eu passei o fim de semana viajando na maionese imaginando um mundo perfeito, com um apartamento lindo, vista privilegiada, cheio da grana e com um namorado perdeito. Quando dei por mim perdi o fim de semana sentando olhando para o nada ao invés de estudar, coisa que eu peciso fazer o mais rápido possivel.
Hoje de manha eu comecei a me arrepender por causa disso. Tenho tanta coisa pra estudar e o trabalho está cada dia mais entediante. Ai comecei a pensar na jornada que tenho pela frente com tanta coisa pra fazer, sera que vou tirar A em todas as matérias? Eu preciso se quero passar para UC Berkeley.
Dai veio esse rapaz na aula de art history me dizer que faz 6 matérias e trabalha full time. Como ele faz isso? Eu não sei. Mas ele me parece inteligente e eisso mexeu com o fato de eu tamber se inteligente e ao invés de me esforçar fico em casa fim de semana pensando na morte da bezzera. Que raiva.
Tenho para de pensar que minha vida é difícil. E mesmo que seja, tenho que parar de fugir dela e enfrentar de frente. "Enfrentar de frente" parece redundante....
Enfim, Enfim, tenho infinitos deveres de casa de inglês e uma apresentação sobre um pintor alemão chamado Paul Klee que teve seu trabalho censurado por Hitler durante o nazismo. Ja houvir falar nele? Nem eu.
Eu descobri que Hitler era pintor antes de virar o demônio. Péssimo pintor por sinal, não foi aceito em nenhuma escola. Talvez seja essa sua revolta rsrsr.
Geografia esta acabando comigo, é muito difˆícil se concentrar na matéria quando a gente se concentra tentando entender o que minha professora esta dizendo. Ela é um senhora idosa com um sotaque britânico pessadíssimo, muito difícil de entender.
Matemática vai bem, a matéria ta facinho e minha sala é só gente perdida. Até desanima frenquentar a aula.
Deixa eu partir, tchau!

Porn Love - If I Married You.. - Sunday, October 18, 2009

Two nights ago Dennis and I have dinner at the neighbors’ house. They are Ken and Ed, partners for many years, around 50 years old and married by the state of California. Ed id gardener designer and Ken is from New York, he works in a publishing company and I like his personality. He looks very smart and decided, I kind of like that. I can say he is a very charming guy. There also was Kristian, our neighbor and New Yorker as well; she is a happy woman with a good energy who lives across the street by herself and her dog. I like here but I don’t know her so well yet. I hope we turn very close friends. Ken and Ed live in a house behind mine, it a beautiful house and very private. There no many views for the outside, and that makes me a little nervous. However, we’re celebrating 10 years since they moved in to El Cerrito. Ken prepared a delicious dinner and we talked a lot about many different things. Even about the fact that Kristian is planning in adopt a baby.

We ate delicious chicken made by Ken’s and drank wine. The really know how to cook! During the dinner one of the subject we talked about was my situation in this country and how my married with Kim didn’t work out at all. I can’t say it didn’t work because actually I came in this country thanks for this marriage, so at the end, I can’t say didn’t worse it. But after my second call to the immigration Kim gave up and cur the contact with Dennis and me. They got very disappointed with her during my explanation and so did I, but I can’t do anything since what she did was a favor and just that. This is one of the reasons that make me a little cold about responsibility. It was a very serious agreement and I preferred to pay and keep the friendship besides since I expected the deal respected until the very end. Kim ran away from us, skipping meetings and blocking me from Facebook. And I don’t really care about it because after she gone Dennis and I feel much more relieved. She has problems about relationship and depression, and I don’t really want to be part of all these. I definitely have to thanks her after all even this situation didn’t finished so well. But she doesn’t want to meet and I have to respect that. I just hope he gets better and move on in her life. But I don’t think we will be friend at all anymore. I feel that things are working out better; even the situation is still very delicate and I’m almost an illegal person in this country.

That’s when Kristian said, “and if I married you?” and for one second everything that happened with me come trough my mind: The first time I met Kim in Rio, the fake marriage in Brazil, the three of us going to the honeymoon, the day she came get me at SFO Airport, the problems we had when she moved in, pills, depression, etc… And I didn’t answer that. Dennis start to explain why the things didn’t work, but I think even for a strong woman like Kristian it would be too difficult. Moreover, I don’t want keep lying about it. I am so happy and in peace beside the guy that I love. I decide to be honest time with this powerful country to see what happens. The USA Immigration Office does a very good job making these fakes marriage a “hell in life” and even if I didn’t regretted the marriage, I would never turn Kristian’s life into that.

I really hope the immigration understands that. Dennis and I just can’t live apart anymore. Dennis is really nervous about all that. He plans to run away with me, to move to Canada and transfer all the Athletic Model Guild’s archive to there. I’m working hard to do not let this gets into my mind as an option. I think I would never have balls to treat Dennis’s life like that. Anyway, I decide stop thinking about all this and focus in de gorgeous chicken I was eating and the delicious wife in my glass. But they kept going back in this subject and I started being a little uncomfortable and a little nervous. I started sweating. Now, I’m trying the asylum, because it’s the truest way I could find to fight for my future. We hired the same office we worked with before, in my marriage. And I feel very positive about them. Monica Miklas is doing a great work with Sarah Castello, the lawyer. I can’t wait for the day I can go there with flowers and say thank you for everything. I’m going to the office in San Francisco next Tuesday to give some more documents and talk a little about my possibilities. I kind of don’t feel that we’ll win this case in first place. But I think we’ll win this fight in the end. There is no most beautiful reason for it in this country.

Porn Love - Working All Day - Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Raining day! We aren’t waiting for all this water coming from the sky. Dennis and I forgot the sofa that we have on the deck uncovered during all night on the rain. And I realized today that I never bought an umbrella here. With this rain, nothing better than be inside working all day… what a hell am I saying? I spend all day desiring go to the bed and eat everything I can while watching South Park on TV. I worked all day, but first I went to the gym. Going to the gym is making me feel better since sometimes I get tired too early and also makes me feel more attractive. Am I with a nice body? Not anymore since I just ate a full package of cookies after work before I start writing this. I sit down here in the office organizing my things for tomorrow. Backpack ready and felling myself terrible after that package of cookies. I can’t believe I did it after lost 3 pounds at the gym last week. I need to stop thinking that after a good work out day I deserve crap food like Jack In The Box or chocolate. The problem is that in this country the fast food is just delicious! Sometimes I can’t resist that.

Today I finally could reconcile two bank accounts of the company. I work for Dennis’s company called Athletic Model Guild; The Athletic Model Guild, or AMG, was founded by gay pornographer pioneer Bob Mizer in December 1945 her in this country. Mizer began his business by taking pictures of men that he knew, both gay and straight. His subjects would often pose for pictures, which, while ostensibly meant to illustrate fitness tips and the like, were clearly produced and published as homoerotic material. He died in the 90s and Dennis bought the company with the statement in 1994 and start make money copies of those old vintage films in DVD and also publishing Bob Mizer’s photos and history. The Athletic Model Guild also makes gay movies made in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. I not a porn star but just somebody who takes care of financial stuff and eBay selling’s. I reconcile accounts, add numbers on the system, take care of some invoices and payments, and also sell old nude photographs on Ebay. I don’t make much money because it’s a very small company and Dennis can’t afford so much. I’m considering myself as a office manager and accounting assistant. The company is in our basement and we work all day at home. It’s nice to work at home sometimes, but there are some days that I start freaking out and feel like I’ll leave the house screaming on the street.

This company is responsible for my relationship with Dennis did work last years. When Dennis and I felt in love in that Saturday, February 25, 2006, I knew it would be just one more broken heart. He living in the U.S going to Brazil two times a year and me a simple young Brazilian living in Rio de Janeiro waiting for him… it would never work. I just ignore my feeling for while even knowing that Dennis felt the same for me. After that first day we talked on the phone every single night until I finally move here one year ago in 2008. He went back to Brazil four months later and there I was waiting for him. I couldn’t believe myself doing such a thing. I found out about the company later, and also the fact that Dennis always dreamed making adult movies there in Brazil. I start suddenly having a great idea to keep us together.

So, when I knew what he did like to make movies in Brazil, I decided to make it happens. I knew some body that worked in straight adult movies and had him to meet Dennis one day. They talked and decided to make those movies Dennis wanted together. That was great. But a little less than one year later this whole idea went out of control, the productions wasn’t that good and this guy that I found was overcharging us. Dennis knew that if he had to pay all that money for production, he couldn’t be able to do more than two movies a year in Brazil. My goal was in risk. Dennis decided laid off the guy and I had no other choice then study hard this area, find locations, models, going though some negotiations, finding equipments, and also did payments, work sheets and everything I could do for him to spend more time there. As I didn’t charge more that I need, Dennis saved so much money that he start to fly back to Brazil every two months. And that’s how we kept our love

During those three years trying to get a Visa to come to the U.S, our relationship was surviving by porn movies productions. Funny? Hot? No!!! I couldn’t stand anymore. I never really liked to do this work since was difficult and sometimes dangerous. To work with those kind of people request a lot of patience and there are many guys trying to get a vantage on the “rich American”. I felt so disturbed sometimes that, last production, I said to Dennis that I want to quit. I could see in his eyes how sad he turned, but I did all that only because of the fact that I want to be with him. And now I’m here, in America, living every single minute with him. I don’t need to hurt myself doing something that I really don’t feel comfortable doing. I told him that I’ll still be there for him and for everything he needs, and also I’ll try to find somebody to replace me. He know that nobody will do this work with the same responsibility I did because it was my way to be able to love him. Anyway, I ended this conversation and we never talked about that anymore. Let’s see later how it is going to be. Dennis and I had some very hard times doing that. But I never regretted. I did it for him, for us. Here we are again together, in love, and happy.

Porn Love - Getting Together With Friends - Sunday, October 11, 2009

Thurday night I saw my friends Thereza, Amanda, Silvana, Mariana e Karla. We went to a bar in Berkeley because Steve is moving to San Francisco and we decide to get together to say goodbye. It was a cold night and Dennis stayed home. Steve is French and that’s another culture and language that I’m interested to know on day. I don know why but I really want to go to France one day to spend some time there and learn how to speak French. Friday after that was Thereza’s goodbye. She’s moving back to Brazil this weekend, to work, I think. Thereza is so nice; she has this “rich-cultured-smart-mature” way to be. As I soon as I know she already traveled many times to many different places in the world and I think it makes people look like that, mature. However, I didn’t show up. I was kind of tired, full of homework to do and with a busy weekend coming. To fail an event that I was invited to is hard for me. I like people and I love to be around my friends. But I fell guilt sometimes, first because I have to dedicate more about my visa process, work and college. I have no idea how I’m still surviving with all this in my head. Second, Dennis isn’t don’t have more time or wants for a social life that I like to have. We’re a couple and I respect that. I’m always trying to balance my hangouts with my friend and with him. So that night, I decided to stay home.

This weekend I had this felling that everybody is going to leave someday and I’ll be the only one that will stay. Many people are here to make money, work, do college and go back to Brazil. I’m moved here to stay, and even thinking about work in Brazil for some time in the future, very far future. Flavia, a friend of mine, is leaving in some weeks and I really interacted with her since the first time we met some months ago. She is here to study and now is leaving to work in Brazil. I’m going to miss Flavia so much. She’s from Minas Gerais, a state pretty close to Rio, and she has the cutest accent in Brazil. I like to imitate and I think she doesn’t mind at all. I remember when I met her at the same day I met most of the people I’m in contact now. She spent a say in Sonoma and we liked each other at the first minute. About Thereza, I didn’t even have time to meet her enough, but she sure is a good person. The couples Gabi and Pedro are gone already. They are from Porto Alegre, south Brazil, and they were trying to leave here illegally. Pedro was flying back and for to keep his visa legal and Gabi doesn’t. I don’t know much about them because I didn’t have a chance to meet them well. Pedro went back to Brazil for some reason and somehow the immigration didn’t let him come back. He was deported from the airport. I don’t know for how long they were here but they were a life together. Gabi was destroyed. She packaged her stuff one month later and left the country as well. I remember one day before this incident Gabi wrote on her twitter something like “Pedro is coming tomorrow, I’m so excited… just Brazilians understand what that means.” That’s so sad. I’m really afraid, even still legal in this country, about the immigration department knocking my door asking me to leave. I have no idea what to do if one day they say I’m here illegal for now one. I think I can’t make it.

Yesterday was amazing. Dennis, my friends and I went to Santa Helena, a city here in California very famous for make wine. We went by car and on the way Mari and I talked a lot; she is here for many years and I consider her too much as a good friend. She is graduated in journalism in Brazil, and works in a Brazilian restaurant in Berkeley. She is also Amanda’s roommate. We drove by pretty places, the road is actually very enjoyed. I didn’t have the opportunity to know more about the city, everything I know is thet the wine is great. There we sent to a Castle where the wine is made. It’s beautiful; I didn’t see a castle for a long time since I went to Portugal. After that we decided to make a picnic on the gardens. What a great moment. We all bought food so we made a huge circle within twenty people. Everybody was there, Amanda, Flavia, Dijaz, Monika, Silvania, Karla… I met some people on that day too. There were some guy playing live music and we all appreciated that. Flavia couldn’t stop talking about the day she’s leaving and I’m still very sad about that. Mariana

I spend $23 in a bottle of wine that cost $7 in the grouched store. That’s so “me”. I’m always spending money, and I like that! It’s so powerful the fact that you can domain the situation with money and not fell limited because of that. Dennis and I always disagree about money. Dennis is always concern about money, he refuses to pay extra tips, he refuses to spend $6 in a bottle of beer at the bar and he once delay 30 minutes my lunch because a mistake of $1. I really don’t like his way to see money. Every week something new happens in his life bad enough for him start complaining about how money is a problem in his life. Something I really feel that we won’t have money to buy food next month. I feel like we’ll lose everything one day and I’ll be so poor beside the men that I love. But things aren’t that bad, I think. Dennis is always worried about money because he has so many expenses. I would like to tell him if you can’t keep it, why you have it? This is a popular Brazilian expression. I don’t want to have big truck, my own company and a fancy house on the suburbs with a pound, waterfall and hot tub if I’ll can’t stop complaining about those things. In my point of view money is great, I love it, I love to have it, I love to spend it. That thinking make me not to be afraid of money, I mean, I have less money then Dennis and I also have a lot of bills. But nobody see me freaking out about money every time I decide spend $10 in a ticket to get in a club. Dennis would never do that. We’re so different when the subject is money.

After that we drove back and my friends and I decided to buy more wine, food, and make a dinner in Silvana’s house. Dennis was too tired and decided to go home. Silvana, or just Sil, is aur pair (I have no idea how to write it, but it’s related to take care of kid’s) and her bosses were traveling. That was a really cool Saturday night. I did something that I really like and missed during these passes days when I’m so busy for everything: to be with my friends and don’t fell myself alone in this country. We made Brazilian food and stayed at home all night long. At the end, we made a toast in occasion of our friendship. Agustina, an Argentinean woman also our friend gave me a ride back home. Agustina is very nice and sweet. Dennis and I sympathized a lot with her.

I went out a lot with my friends in Brazil. Gabi, Roberta, Leo, and I were so close and always going out together. I started being very close to Gabi some years ago, and them Leo starts to be part of our friendship some time later. Every Friday night Gabi’s apartment was our meeting point, and from there we decide where to go. I always arrived in Gabi’s apartment with a bag full of beers and a rose from the rose stand right in front of her building. A little more them one year later Roberta and Gabi start dating. I already knew Roberta, but we aren’t friends. I met Roberta when I was dating a guy called Bado and I was doing do much drugs on those time that I cant remember so well. Roberta and I became so close and so fast that I think scared Gabi a little. Being honest it scared me too. There is almost no weekend without seeing those guys. We went to parties, sleeps in motel rooms together, helping each other. We’re very close friends, a fantastic time. I felt so sad when I left them and move to the U.S. we reserved a great motel room in Copacabana and made a huge party, just four of us. The when Gabi and Roberta took me to the airport next day. I didn’t cry, I never cried in front of them, but I did cry thinking about them later. Now after this awkward situation happened between me and the girls, I never being so hurt in my life.

Porn Love - Friday, October 2, 2009

Last night I took a picture of one of the dears that come to my backyard every night to eat the apples. I waited so much for that apples to be good enough and those stupids dears are eating them!

I can’t believe it Saturday already. I had such a busy week. I’ve been working like crazy and study as an insane person. It’s very weird this feeling that we have after a week, when we feel that did so many things and the week passed so fast. I’m not really able to talk about everything I did but I went to the gym, 24 Hour Fitness in Berkeley, almost every morning. I’ve been working out a lot because this is something that makes me feel really good, to have a nice body in shape is very necessary for a good looking Latino Brazilian guy living in the United States like me (just kidding) and Monday and Wednesday I went straight to college after the work out. The other days I stay in college during the morning but not in class. I like to go there to study in the student lounge we have in the 5th floor. I don’t feel comfortable to study at home. One reason is because I don’t have a room for it. So I always left my books spread in the dinner table and Dennis doesn’t like that. Another reason is because I always have something to do here at home, so I can’t concentrate much on the homework. We also have a library very close to my house, but as I need to take Bart to go the gym and the college is two blocks far, I prefer just stay around there. The college energy is helping me to study.

After I wrote the last entry to the blog, Dennis and went to the bed to watch Popeye The Movie. We have a NetFlix account and we always have some movie to see at home. I know it’s a terrible movie and I have no idea why Dennis get, I knew before I started to watch that it’s no funny at all either! That was so bad that we didn’t see the end. Dennis and I decide to “better things in the bed”… and go to sleep wasn’t the first option. I love when we have those “not-programmatic and made” moments together. It’s not so usual. Dennis and I have a normal sexual relationship: no toys, no others, no crazy things. We also have out “up and down” moments when he or me don’t feel like having sex. I pretty sure all the couples have it. In my case, one of the reasons is when I’m not feeling “cute” enough, or just completely tired after all day being worry about everything. Sometimes is much better to sleep together then necessary have sex. This is good just sometimes, for sure. I really don’t understand people who live without sex, I mean, married people. They leave together and don’t have sex? I met a couple of neighbors that don’t even sleep on the same room, but they’re a lovely couple and seem really like each other. That’s weird. I think the individualism makes people go crazy.

Tuesday I went to see my paralegal, is Monica Miklas, she is one of that person who is seems to have a very good energy. Every conversation I have with her i always have the feeling that everything is just fine. Nothing sounds to be a problem for her. This is good in a certain point, I mean, I’m so worry about my situation in this country that sometimes is good to hear a better side of the story from someone. She speaks Portuguese very good, but almost all the time I prefer to talk in English because of the fact that I’ve been talking and organizing my ideas in English and I get very confuse mixing the languages all the time. She is white blond cute girl and look very young. We’re working together in my asylum process so I can stay in this country safe and with Dennis. We went trough my past in Rio regarding my gay life and all the bad situations already happened with me there. We talked about my childhood, my family and my work as a gay activist in Arco Iris group. It was a very hard time for me to talk about that because something I really never talked with someone before, and some other things are just too sad or embarrassing to be reminded. But some other fact I was glad to talk about, like my gay friends and activism. Looking now I feel that I really helped the gay community. I have a past in the Arco Iris Group, it’s one of the biggest gay groups in Brazil, and witch takes care of gay movements, preventions of sexual sickness and human rights. Also Arco Iris takes care of the Rio Gay Pride every year.

I basic come here married with Kim, a long story. I married her to leave Brazil last year, after I try all possible honest visas available. After I arrived, Kim moved in to live with Dennis and me, and our life kind of messed up because she had more problems that we though. As she say once, we have different ways to work with the stress, and I didn’t have patient with her attitudes (or better saying, non attitude). After some misunderstands we decide to move out. After some time I felt that this marriege isn’t going to work and at the same time I found out about the gay asylum. I had no idea that gay guys could ask for asylum in this country, I though asylum was for people running from wars. Dennis and I had a seriously conversation about it and we decide stop lying to the immigration. I have a good casa, a good reason to be here, and I could handle this entire situation by myself, and not waiting for Kim. I understood how afraid sha was about her life and I know she regrets to do this for help us. But she did a great help, and I’ll never forget. I though taking Kim out of my problems and letting myself take care of this would be perfect. The week before Dennis and I went to the same office that we work with my marriage and told them the truth. They understood my reasons and decide to get the case. Monica is helping me to organize my statement and she is doing a good job.
I actually try all kinds of visas possible to be with the person that I love: tourist visa, student visa… And now I’m having such a hard time with my situation again. My tourist visa had been denied because I couldn’t prove that I would come back. Looking back now I agree with the council because I wasn’t very organized with my documents. It was my first time and I didn’t know much about it. Then I try my student visa and even today I have no idea why it was denied. I’ve been accepted to Laney College, I paid for it and I had a letter of support from Dennis. The council denied it too. At this point I was crazy to leave country and come here. I knew my life could be much better here, beside Dennis, having a gay life without worry about my security as I was in Brazil. Dennis and I are happy after all. After all Dennis and I fight to be together in this country, now I need to remember all the bad things that happened to my in Brazil for being gay. All the bad memories I have of people making jokes and treating me. I almost cry in her office. It’s something that I never had a deep talk in my life, and Monica was the first one and I hope the last. But I know she won’t. I need to go trough this conversation again in my interview day. But after all I’m sure that this is going to finish and I will be in peace with my love. I left her office much more optimist. I believe in her job and in my honesty.